Missing him

I was reminded that today would have been Stosh's birthday, for some reason I thought it was tomorrow, the day before Jenna's. He wanted so bad to have Jenna born on his birthday. I think of him often, wishing his big goofy smile would show up at my front door, walk in and say "I'm hungry". That seemed to the be the usual when he came over, I always made sure to save him leftovers if I knew he was coming by.

I will never forget the first time he met Jenna, it was so cute. I picked him up to go have lunch with his mom. I think of him as the gentle giant, he was so sweet and gentle with her, loved her from the minute he saw here and she loved him. We had fun when she was a baby, we did a lot together when I was on maternity leave, like getting the truck stuck in the mud. We picked up the dead Christmas tree to put it on the burn pile but didn't realize the field was soggy, the truck got stuck. The truck was pretty new and he was so afraid his brother would freak out, he tried so hard to get it out, covered in mud he worked to get it out all the while Jenna was sleeping soundly in the back seat. Finally getting the truck out then quickly washing it off so there were no traces of our mud bog.

I think so often about the struggles he went through, the demons in his head that tried to take over. Often thinking I wished I could have done more for him. He was there for me with my tearful phone calls, listening and doing what he could to calm me down I only wish I could have calmed him down.

I wasn't lucky enough to have known him long, only 7 short years but felt like an eternity. I think the only peace I have is knowing that he is no longer struggling and I can only think that he is happy with Joe. I miss you, you big goofy guy!